Friday, June 8, 2012

What do you see in the mirror?

I often wondered how girls/women who are so anorexic that they look like skeletons could still see themselves as fat. I know now. Not because I'm anorexic but because there are many days that I still feel like that fat person I used to be. I remember when I finally broke down and bought new clothes. My old clothes were just so big I couldn't get away with wearing them anymore. I waited as long as I could because I didn't want to be buying clothes all the time and then shrink out of them before I got my money's worth.

Anyhow, when I bought the first pair of jeans that were a size 12 I pulled them off the rack and looked at how small they were and I thought "there is no way these will fit me! They are so small!" But they did!! I was shocked that I was back in a size 12! I took a picture in the dressing room mirror and sent it to my friend because I was shopping alone and I was so excited that I just had to share it with someone! At one point that had been my goal size....but after putting them on I knew there was no way I was stopping there.

The other day though I pulled out my jeans that are now a size 7/8 and I looked at them and thought "those look so big!" When that thought went through my head I realized that maybe I shouldn't have thrown out all my "before" clothes. Maybe I should have kept that one pair of jeans to look at on those days that I feel like I am still fat...

The feelings of being that fat person are deeper than just the optical illusion of my clothes occasionally still looking huge. Even after maintaining this weight for more than 6 months I still catch myself thinking about things the way I did when I was over 200 pounds.

I have a step stool in my house that I've had since college. A few years ago my kids were playing with it and one of them got mad and through the stool to the ground. The stool hit the floor at just the right angle to bend one of the legs in toward the other legs so it didn't sit level. My husband bent the leg back out as straight as he could, but I was always hesitant to use the stool after that. I was a little worried that it wouldn't hold me since I was so heavy and the integrity of the stool had been compromised. Most of the time I don't worry about that any more, but sometimes I still hesitate before stepping on and I have to remind myself that I no longer have to worry about being too heavy to step on the stool.

So now I can see how easy it is for people to become anorexic, to always see fat on their bodies. Changing that mental image of yourself is a hard thing to do and it's something I'm still working on.

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